My Struggle with Caffeine

It started out innocently enough.

I'd occasionally just have it at Evan's house, you know, on the weekends or the occasional weekday. He'd offer it to me, I wouldn't see any harm in taking it with cream and sugar, and I'd drink it. It had this delicious flavor that made me feel so good, so alert and happy, even though the high only lasted thirty minutes or so. But it was okay, because I felt pretty normal the rest of the day. Its not like it was interfering with my life at that point.

A few months went by like that, but as I spent more and more time with Evan, the coffee-mongerer, I started drinking more and more. He kept offering, and I kept accepting. Eventually it got to the point where I was drinking a cup every morning. I even bought my own coffee maker. I knew at this point that it was serious. But it was legal, and I kept reading about how great coffee is for colin cancer, and it was just so delicious.

One day I ran out of coffee. No biggie, I thought. I'll just go without coffee. Little did I anticipate the worlds most intensely frightening headache that slammed me around 1:34 in the afternoon, at which point I was completely blindsided and groped for the nearest coffee machine, chugged down two cups, waited for the headache to subside, and swore off days without coffee for the rest of my life. Here, this, then I KNEW I was an addict. But what could I do? I certainly couldn't quit, couldn't deal with the pain of those caffeine headaches.

And then my tolerance grew, and I started consuming more and more coffee each day, the deliciousness seeping down my throat and reverberating through my body. I had accepted my addiction, learned to love it, love coffee. I promised to only buy fair trade coffee, thus helping out some poor farmer guys in Zimbabwe or Guatemala or wherever. I was doing good deeds. My addiction wasn't hurting anyone. I considered what I'd have to do when I got pregnant, but that was years away, and I knew I could do anything with the motivation of a child inside me. So I just didn't worry about it. I loved my addiction, because I loved coffee.

Then, suddenly, about two years after the initial chronic consumption had started, small pains started growing in my chest. My heart felt constricted, as though a fist was gripping it and squeezing it. Frightened (at the age of 23!) I thought I needed a new heart. (No matter, I'll just get some pixie dust! i thought). Anyway, I went to the doctor, where I found out that I had a major case of acid reflux, and that I'd have to quit drinking and eating acidic and fatty foods for at least a month, and then that I'd have to cut down on them for the rest of my life. I cried. Oh how I cried. All I eat are deliciously fatty foods, and I pour balsamic vinegar over everything! As tears gush down my face, I looked mournfully up at the doctor, and said, "thats it though, right? no fatty foods and nothing super acidic?" and she looked disdainfully at me and said, "right. No alcohol" -- heart stoppage -- "and no coffee. Caffeinated or decaffeinated. That stuff is super acidic." -- I passed out. Right there on the doctors floor. How could I live without the delicious roasted beans of goodness? Without that dark java of love? gods gift to man and my way of supporting farmers in poverty in belize?

Okay I didn't really pass out. But I did get very upset. Trying to quit was even worse. Massive headaches for a week straight, uncontrollable lethargy, hatred at the world, hatred of my coworkers, depression. And then, one day, it went away. But the cravings for coffee did not. It's been six whole weeks. And every morning I still wake up and crave coffee with whole milk and sugar. Once, a couple weeks ago, I decided to say screw it (as I had with the fatty foods and balsamic vinegar -- no heart burn!) and I drank a cup of coffee. Immediately, within thirty minutes of drinking it, I had an incredible sensation of the fist over the heart again. I was so upset. Coffee is the only thing that gives me heartburn. Coffee, the love of my life.

But I wasn't going to quit trying. I had a frappucino, assuming that the massive amounts of milk and cream would offset the acidity of the coffee (and it did!) but I can't drink a frappucino every day. I might as well sell everything I own and move into a cardboard box now. And then I tried drinking a cup of 1/4 coffee and 3/4 whole milk, which also works just fine, except that the cup is cold and disappointingly milky. Its also a tease, since I only get a taste of the cold coffee. And my headaches invariably come back the next day (but they only last a day).

This has been a difficult process for me. I'm still struggling with it. I don't know that I'll ever fully recover. I wish there was some kind of recovering coffee addicts group i could go to, I feel so alone in my post-mortem addiction. Alas, alas. What shall I do?

depression

lately i've been feeling super down, borderline depressed. this has never happened to me before, at least not without a reason. I mean, Evan is gone, and I miss him, but its not, like, thats whats got me down. In fact I've been feeling pretty blue since around February. And I think I know why.

First, my incredibly depressing job has created this whole layer of sadness that I try and cover up by not thinking about it, but of course thats nearly impossible since I work with them every day. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. The news has got me down too, man, freakin news.

This, combined with the lack of nutrients in my body from JVC, has created an emotionally labile female. Lack of nutrients, you say? Why, all the red meat that suddenly disappeared from my diet. I can't even remember the last time I ate cow. Actually I do remember and it was at Fabers house a few weekends ago. And red meat is a supplier of tryptophan, precursor to serotonin, supreme moderator of happiness and depression. Exact mechanism unknown and super complicated.

but so all of these extreme changes make my otherwise indestructive body and spirit feel shitty. Battered women and the lack of red meat has really got me down. I suppose I'll just have to start consciously trying to eat hamburgers and steak once or twice a week, when sully's has their half off bar food.

i effing hate being poor. i hate it.

yesterday I was actually considering quitting JVC and moving home to my parents house for the summer. The only reason I'm in Raleigh was for Evan in the first place, and now hes in Africa. so what am i doing in raleigh? living out my commitment to this indentured servitude position. God I'm bitter. What was I thinking, 85 dollars a month for a whole year? i want to kick myself in the face. i went to college! a ridiculously expensive one! I am worth way more than that measly stipend. argh. and now i am depressed because i cant effing afford to buy food that my o type blood needs.

and now i'm even regretting going to school immediately after JVC. I should have known that being poor three years in a row sucks. I should have gotten some kind of high paying job where I can do math all day and play with excel spreadsheets and make pretty charts. I decided thats what i really like to do anyway. as long as its about something that matters.

garh. argh. my mind is going to mush and my spirit is going to slop, i'm becoming depressed and stupid, i cant wait to get out of this ridiculous program.

ethanol

For some crazy reason, all the ethanol stocks are up, way up, yesterday and today. Why?

The obvious reason is that gas prices are hitting record highs. But gas prices have been hitting record highs for the last four months and ethanol stocks have been hardcore tanking until yesterday, when they immediately all started going up. This is suspicious. First of all, ethanol is only a viable resource when oil is over $100 a barrel. But oil has been over that for months now. Why hasn't stock been going up since oil hit 100 and steadily rose? Second of all, ethanol is incredibly unpopular right now because of the food crisis -- people are starving and we're putting their food into our cars? has anyone noticed that corn oil in the grocery store is up like 150% ???? Everyone is blaming ethanol for the increase in food prices, and collectively have started agreeing that it is NOT a truly sustainable resource.

Despite this, the volume charts are insane for the last two days, with huge investors buying up. they all know something is about to happen, which is good for my tanked ethanol stock, but sucky for the world, since biofuel is just about the worst idea ever. ahh. the stock market makes me crazy. I'm getting out and investing in vietnam.

creative nose dive

if you want to read more awesome blogs than mine,

try www.evanmaclean.blogspot.com, for pictures of chimps, monkeys, and africa, and www.acornlex.blogspot.com, for super duperness and awesome pictures.

JVC, life, and the world in general have sucked my soul out.

i'm not as funny as i used to be, not as carefree, creative, spontaneous, or nearly as awesome. Constantly thinking about the worlds problems is a big downer. I'm gonna have to stop doing that.

So from this point on, I'm going to make a sincere effort to only think about world problems when I am either a) reading about them and/or B) actually solving them. Because someday I will solve all the worlds problems. I just hope I don't have to think about them at all other moments of the day.

on another note, I think I believe in God again. I went on this silent retreat, which was sort of a huge pain and total social disaster, but i got so bored that I actually did what they asked us to do, and prayed. of course, God didn't talk back, I dont think he ever does, when that happens I think people are just connecting with the schizophrenic inside of them (but who knows, maybe schizophrenia is just being in closer touch with some sort of unearthly being and I'm dead wrong), but some interesting stuff happened this week.

First of all, NC state rejected my in state residency claim. I got mad, and wrote them a mean letter. In state class costs 600 bucks, plus or minus some amount, and out of state is 2000, plus or minus any assholes involved. and who would ever spend that much on a class at NC state? i mean, come on, arent you supposed to get what you pay for? So naturally i refuse to pay for something thats not worth it. And then I googled online classes, and the first thing that popped up was MIT courseware, and then I remembered that I read somewhere that MIT was offering almost all of their course materials online, for FREE-- so basically, a complete course, minus the professor. And i decided that an MIT downloaded course with those materials for FREE was a way better deal than even the 600 at NC state...and I remembered God. I was suspicious of his involvement in the rejection claim from NC state.

Okay, and then, exactly two weeks ago, for no reason at all, I sold all of my yahoo stock and decided to invest in a solar company. this was on a friday. I sold yahoo at 28.50, when I had bought it at 23.50, only profiting $30 after commission fees (i know i play tiddlywinks with stocks), and then bought 16 shares of Renesola, (SOL) a chinese solar power company, at 15.80. Then, on Saturday, the VERY NEXT DAY, Microsoft withdrew their bid for yhoo, and the stock dropped. I got out at the PERFECT time. God re-enters my mind.

To top it all of, two weeks later, my solar stock is up to $26 a share!!!! Their earnings report absolutely blew everyone away, and in two weeks time my money has increased by what, 80%?. I just wish I had more money to invest, that I had bought 100 shares instead of my measly 16. But there are some things you can't control. And the projected price on this stock is $40. This, again, made me think of God.

so, lame, i know, that all of my encounters with money recently have been attributed to God. but money has really been a problem lately, and I can't stop thinking about it, and how much its going to interfere with my life. So much so, in fact, that I wish I had taken a few years before grad school to just make a lot of money. The problem is that unless your goal is to make a lot of money, it just wont happen. And unfortunately my goal has nothing to do with money. It has everything to do with solving all the worlds problems. I'm considering having a part-time goal of making a lot of money, and doing it with stocks. after i figured out (sort of) what i was doing, i made some better choices in the market and am actually making money.

Why Hillary would be a disaster

Furthering my idea that uses the campaign as a little sample of what a presidency would be like, lets consider Hillary delegate math in the Florida/Michigan controversy.


Florida and Michigan straight up broke the rules. They knew if they moved the primary up, that they would not be counted. The DNC rules explicitly stated this, and they knew, but they did it anyway. The DNC then told all the candidates to please remove their names from the ballot in Michigan, and so Obama and Edwards both followed suit and did this. But who didnt? Who had a blatant disregard for authority? Who charged ahead according to her own desires, seeing the opportunity to win a state handily? Thats right. Hillary Clinton. Even with Hillary's name being the only one on the ballot, STILL a good 40% voted "uncommitted" in the states primaries. Shocking. Re-do spells disaster for Hillary in Michigan. And now shes demanding that they include Michigan and Florida, which is AGAINST THE DNC RULES, because shes too far behind and has no hope without them.

If we consider the DNC convention rules as perhaps the democratic party's version of the Constitution of the USA, is this behavior what we would see in the White House? Will Hillary Clinton carry on her blatant disregard of the democratic process, of rules set in place before her that don't benefit her own person? Hillary would destroy our country. She can't listen, she can't take advice, she can't see truth or logic. She has no concept of the rules, of strategy, of the people she claims to represent! She would completely ignore the Constitution, altering it and simply pretending it didn't exist to benefit herself. People say McCain would be a third Bush term. I say Hillary would be.

thats all.

the campaign as a window into presidency

If we think about the campaign as a small tiny little example of what the presidency might be like, then it should be haaaaaaands down Obama.

McCain can't get anyone to pay attention to him (perhaps because he reeks of the last vestiges of Bush's presidency), is completely and totally broke, and nobody knows anything else about his campaign because.....oh yeah. thats right. Nobody Cares.

Clinton keeps striking back like an angry cobra, poisoning the entire democratic party and heading the country for disaster, ignoring pleas to stop, common sense, and basic statistics (hmmm, iraq war, anyone?), and continues filling her campaign with negative ads and using words like "Obliterate Iran," alienating voters and the entire black constituency.

Obama, meanwhile, has united masses of people, congratulates his opponent, tells the truth, has not been caught in a single scandal, refuses biased money from PAC's and special interest groups, and actually listens to the American people! wow. Who ever thought a politician like Obama even existed? He even gets people to CHANGE THEIR MINDS! double wow.

Lets consider the 2000 campaign between Bush and McCain.

In 2000, Bush resorted to evil tactics to win the primary nomination over McCain. South Carolina's primary was often referred to as the dirtiest campaign in the history of America. He destroyed McCain using a smear campaign http://www.bartcopnation.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=8&topic_id=522, in short, calling him the Fag Candidate, which was circulated on church fliers, questioned McCain's sanity, suggesting he was nuts from his time in Vietnam (possibly true, but nonetheless), accused McCain of having a black daughter (who is actually a bangaldeshi adoptee), suggesting that he had fathered her with a black prostitute, and made fake phone calls that misrepersented McCain's campaign.

wow. lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.....pretty much exactly like his presidency. awesome.

hillary, go away. you barely won in Indiana, you were completely annihilated in NC, and you're going to destroy your party, your country, and any remaining semblance of pride and self respect if you stay in it. It is clear who the better candidate is, and who Americans prefer as their future president.

all alone

Evan is off fulfilling his fantasies in Africa, playing with baby chimpanzees and calling it research, on his way to becoming an envied researcher in his field...

and what am I doing?

I'm allllllllllllll aaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllloooooooooonnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

actually i'm reading a horribly depressing affidavit written by one of my clients social workers about how her husband sexually molested their daughter. They're both from Africa, and she explains the culture there to be super oppressive towards women, and she had no concept of what a standard boundary between a father and a daughter was supposed to be. And neither did he, obviously, he said he was teaching his daughter how to be a woman. His daughter is 7.

enough of that.

Barack Obama today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what I'm praying for more, for Evan to arrive safely or for Obama to kick ass in both primaries tonight.

woooeee

So I was reading creative ways to spend the stimulus check, ranging from window blinds to vacays to paying off credit card debt to buying 41 copies of Ron Paul's Revolution (dumb idea), and I think I've come up with the perfect solution.

My check will only be 300 dollars. But I've always wanted to do a few things out and about in Raleigh, NC, and I'll use my stimulus payment to fund these efforts. And I can talk about them because, guess what, NOBODY READS THIS BLOG!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!


First, and Foremost, add the two letters U and N to the front of Planned Parenthood, for a more truthful title of "UnPlanned Parenthood".

Secondly, add the letters "EAK" to the end of all the street signs that say "Salisbury St" in the effort to increase motorists desire for tasty Salisbury Steaks on sale at your local golden corral, thus stimulating the service industry AND ALSO helping out your local friendly illegal immigrant employers.

and last, but not least, print out thousands of flyers that have a picture of said local friendly illegal immigrant giving the thumbs up, with the words "ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT FOR PRESIDENT 2008" scrawled across the top. Hopefully this will take the hispanic vote away from Hillary, boosting Obama to the top.

so really i think the most expensive thing here would be a giant ladder to reach the downtown street signs (those effers are tall), and depending on whether or not I can sweet talk the home depot dudes into lending me a huge ladder, maybe I can save my stimulus check all together.

which brings us back to the dilemma in the first place -- what am i going to spend my 300 dollars on?

Maybe I'll get a goat and ride around town so people like me as much as they like this guy: