depression

lately i've been feeling super down, borderline depressed. this has never happened to me before, at least not without a reason. I mean, Evan is gone, and I miss him, but its not, like, thats whats got me down. In fact I've been feeling pretty blue since around February. And I think I know why.

First, my incredibly depressing job has created this whole layer of sadness that I try and cover up by not thinking about it, but of course thats nearly impossible since I work with them every day. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. The news has got me down too, man, freakin news.

This, combined with the lack of nutrients in my body from JVC, has created an emotionally labile female. Lack of nutrients, you say? Why, all the red meat that suddenly disappeared from my diet. I can't even remember the last time I ate cow. Actually I do remember and it was at Fabers house a few weekends ago. And red meat is a supplier of tryptophan, precursor to serotonin, supreme moderator of happiness and depression. Exact mechanism unknown and super complicated.

but so all of these extreme changes make my otherwise indestructive body and spirit feel shitty. Battered women and the lack of red meat has really got me down. I suppose I'll just have to start consciously trying to eat hamburgers and steak once or twice a week, when sully's has their half off bar food.

i effing hate being poor. i hate it.

yesterday I was actually considering quitting JVC and moving home to my parents house for the summer. The only reason I'm in Raleigh was for Evan in the first place, and now hes in Africa. so what am i doing in raleigh? living out my commitment to this indentured servitude position. God I'm bitter. What was I thinking, 85 dollars a month for a whole year? i want to kick myself in the face. i went to college! a ridiculously expensive one! I am worth way more than that measly stipend. argh. and now i am depressed because i cant effing afford to buy food that my o type blood needs.

and now i'm even regretting going to school immediately after JVC. I should have known that being poor three years in a row sucks. I should have gotten some kind of high paying job where I can do math all day and play with excel spreadsheets and make pretty charts. I decided thats what i really like to do anyway. as long as its about something that matters.

garh. argh. my mind is going to mush and my spirit is going to slop, i'm becoming depressed and stupid, i cant wait to get out of this ridiculous program.